Light Beam Guru

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 08:50:58 GMT

I've been up and in pain all night. I'm bleeding. Fuck shit goddamn. I've been off my T too long and now I'm turning into a gutted fish and I'm nauseated and i cant get warm or cool enough and I can barely move, and I cant sleep a bit. I'm in so much pain its unbelievable right now.
I'm freaking out. I dont have the money to do anything but gut it out and hope it passes soon. And I'm supposed to leave for work soon. I cant safely work like this!

I need an endo, I need more T. I need more T so bad it hurts. literally. its been like 2 months.

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 17:54:36 GMT

Its been a particularly long week.
I was really looking forward to today, Ive been excited for a month that my friends would be here and I'd have a whole day off to spend with them so I'm completely shattered by them asking what im doing TOMORROW. I'm a mess in general and I just needed this.
oh well right.

I'm an hour at most away from fucking magic kingdom, and im in the least magical place on earth.
I hate orlando

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 05:20:10 GMT

TOO SOBER

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 14:44:43 GMT

ER makes me cry :( / :)

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 20:17:34 GMT

so.. I'm a big one tree hill fan. DANS HEART GOT EATEN BY A DOG! oh vindication!
also dan acting in the most recent episode is the worst acting ive seen. ever. most likely

on decisions

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 08:34:01 GMT

After a long heart bearing conversation, a twice as long life discussion with Rachel who was one of the first of my "keepers" (the people who've been deemed necessities to my survival, shes on year 9, WOW), and a short panicked discussion about how I'm fucked with James I've come to a few decisions, and reactions:

1. Chicago be damned. Its a beautiful plan HOWEVER its been deemed a dream more than a legit plan. Not because of my inability to go there and park, but because I plan on going there and parking.
2. Resume will go all across the US. reaction: I've edited and updated my resume, and sent it to Gion, Jay, and Linn for responses on its effectiveness.
3. Cincinnati be damned. Though I have legit complaints that A.its a tiny town taking up a lot of space with a small town mentality, B.I've made a few bad ties, and C.every day I spend there is considered a step into the fires of failure by my father and in reponse me, I still cannot afford to IGNORE job postings ANYWHERE. period.
4. That being said if I end up in Cincinnati at all I MAY NOT move in with my parents excepting release from jail or mental/physical health facilities that require me to do so by some sort of law.
5. I firmly believe that its time to make the best use of EVERY day and stop wasting time.
6. Resumes must go to ships. I can bail after 4 months if its that bad.
7. I am allowed to go a little nuts and install skype on every one of my friends computers, email incessantly if they dont sign on, and buy a lot of internet time if I take a ship job.
8. As soon as 30 days is up I MUST restock my supply of T and needles to ensure that I wont run out ever.
9. Another therapist is in my future for safe keeping and reasonable argument over life decisions.
10. I must admit to myself that I am a potential free wanderer as of May 11th and must also prepare to follow the jobs, not make the jobs follow me.
11. I come first.
12. I am now officially on the Chicago summer 2008 diet plan. Necessities only. This does however include ice cream once a month.

On number 12: I managed to go grocery shopping and spent 11.16 of my 20 dollars left in my bank account.. very effectively.

-12 eggs
-18oz of coldcuts
-1 loaf bread
-1/2 gal milk
-1/2 gal green tea for my acid stomach
-10 packs of oatmeal

add that to my cabinet:
-loaf of frozen garlic bread
-1 frozen pork chop
-2lbs frozen ground beef
-8 slices of cheese
-1/3 loaf wheat bread
-Peanut butter
-grape jelly
-1 can soup
-1 bag rice
-blueberry pancake mix, enough for 1 months breakfasts
-1/2 can soup leftovers
-leftover rice/lentils
-3 boxes mac and cheese
-1 packet of tuna
-can of carrots
-can of chick peas( maybe )
-some frozen hash browns and potato pancakes

I feel like I'm not gunna die!

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 04:24:45 GMT

ok shes right. I cant just let myself think that I'M the one to be the exception to the rule. I didn't know she cared. I didn't know she'd gotten invested. I didn't know she wasn't just jerking me around.
So what do I do. She cares. I care. Usually that adds up to lets just be together. but this is real life now. and YES I need to get the fuck out of oxford and not come back.
why.
Reasons why I need to,bolt oxford and cincinnati:
-bad ties in theater in cincinnati
-when it comes to theater cincinnati is a (very very) small town.
- dad
- Ursuline will HAUNT me. all anyone cares about here is where you went to high school and I'm not planning on coming out every few days for the rest of my life.
- I'd like to state for the record that I've hated cincinnati because I've never felt at home here.
-my dads got it burned into my skull that ANY and EVERY day I spend in oxford past January 1st 2009 is a sign of my complete and total inability to ever potentially reach success.
- I've been very much so made to feel I'm an intruder on someone else's world while I've stayed here, no matter how loud I shout to myself that staying was good for me
(but, honestly.. staying WAS good for me, I needed the chance to walk and run on safe pavement, and I've been really going places for the large part of this year)
- I'm convinced that any day spent in oxford again will be seen as my fucking up by anyone else.

Problems:
-I'm scared. WILL I succeed? Will I be ok on my own? Will I be able to support myself?
-I'm poor
-I'm physically shaking right now from the terror of all these things I'm considering at once.
-I dont know which of the voices of reason to listen to.
-I dont know what decisions I'm making that are self-preservation, which move me forward, and which are holding me back.

Things that make me happy this year:
- shows.
- T
- feeling my heart beat again.

these three things dont collide well

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 23:52:56 GMT

today is not my day. I probably shouldnt have un-friendsd KBD. I probably shouldnt have gotten so drunk. I probably shouldnt burn through some of the booze in my apt tonight. But I will anyway because I'm stupid, and comfortable with that today.

how I vented today

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 17:50:41 GMT

What do you miss most about your ex?
Caitlin: the person I thought she was.
Caitie: nothing.
the others... I cant say much about them.. If I really wanted them around they'd be around

are you attracted to the last person that kissed you?

what did you do yesterday?
hangover, Vision, alcohol. And since I'm a reject and clares leaving and I'm feeling pretty messy right now, I'll be drinking more later, I'm sure

something you really want right now?
Chicago.

what were you doing an hour ago?
being pissed off

if you could seek revenge on someone would you?
no

how long have you liked the person you like?

does any part of your body hurt right now?
my neck, my ear, same for days

did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed?
of course not. no one has.

can you recall the last time you liked someone?

are you happy with the way things are going?
no. especially not this morning

would you ever get a tattoo?
I have two and want more

do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
clearly. no

who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Ashley

who was the last person you talked to in person?
James.. hes half dead on my couch, passed out drunk, and has some blankets to wash for me later. damned pukers.

what plans do you have for tomorrow?
um. I'm in a classroom at some point for a panel

has a friendship ended recently that you wish hadn't?
maybe.

what are you listening to right now?
Across the Universe.

what happened at 9:00 am today?
I was out cold

ever given your all to someone who walked away?
yes. more than once.

do you and your last ex hate each other?
Rosie? lord no. I love rosie. I miss having her around.

what are you afraid of?
that the feeling I have that I know I'll be an untouchable forever is completely true. the only thing I hate about transitioning is that I developed the feeling then and It hasnt once waivered, thats contributing to my anger though.

when was the last time you were sick?
I've got a lot of sinus problems right now

are you one of those people who are always cold?
yeah, feet and shoulders.

where are your biological parents?
Dads in Vegas this week. Moms eating pringles on the couch. haha

do you have any summer plans yet?
not yet. I'm getting really antsy

do you tend to waste a lot of money?
sometimes. but when I do its on time spent with my friends.

what did you last drink?
a bit of coke from the fridge. nothings settling yet really. I'm eating so that'll shift.

when's the last time you made a drunk dial?
well if you know you're going out, go out in style right. So I drunk dialed last night on Lizz's command to share how I feel. I knew better though so instead I apologized for drunk dialing. I'm a winner.

what was the last thing you said out loud?
good james, good.

do you have trust issues?
yeah.. because everyone waits till I let them in to reject me. or.. theyre the person who just abuses the shit out of me when I let them in. those are cool too. All of these have developed a sometimes voliatile reaction in me, fortunately that reaction is 100% self-directed.

do you think this year will be better than the last?
yes.

have you ever regretted kissing someone?
no.

have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
yeah

do you think age matters in relationship?
sometimes apparently

when was the last time you got a haircut?
I cut my hair this week

do you know anyone that smokes weed?
like.. oh me?

who is the last person you rode in a car with?
E.Lannigan drove me and james to my house last night

did you sing at all today?
no

do you look more like your mom or your dad?
whichever I'm standing next to. really.

where will you be 2 hours from now?
probably right here on my lazy ass

are there any stressful situations in your life?
always

got yourself a girlfriend/boyfriend?
OBVIOUSLY NOT. yeah im pissy right now. I should post this on myspace

do you have blonde moments each day?
no

what would you do if your last ex shows up at your bedroom window?
good luck, my rooms on the second story

what color are your eyes?
blue

are your nails painted?
no

do you think love is a waste of time?
no. maybe

do you ever get 'good morning' texts from anyone?
no but I'm the schmuck who sends them

where is your cell phone?
charging next to me

what time did you go to sleep last night?
3

what woke you up today?
my neck

how is your hair right now?
same as always

do you wear makeup?
no

do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
so far they havent been. I'm assuming that will change?

are you a bad influence?
no, maybe a little

do you think anyone has feelings for you?
NO, even though she keeps reassuring me itll be fine.

how many texts are in your inbox?
like 110

besides this, what are you doing right now?
listening to across the universe, about to watch more of Lie To Me. that shows good!

will you be up before 7 am tomorrow?
hell no

are you currently waiting to get a body piercing or tattoo?
i'm waiting for name change and surgery first

angry at anyone?
yeah. Kaleigh

are you tired right now?
yeah

will you get married?
I'm not so sure that will come

are you jealous?
yeah. let her have stupid bagface creeper. what does it say about me that I'm mixed in with all these guys. am I a creeper, jerk, asshole, fuckup, whiny bitch too? REALLY? I am?

when was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
ben mack. at mac and joes. 2 nights ago. or TJ last night. who went on a justification diatribe to me about why using the word faggot to describe this girl he was hitting on's ex was ok.

do you like the color green?
yeah

do you like your name?
Id better, I picked it

who was the last girl you talked to?
chrissy

ho would you want to fix things with?
I'm grumpy as shit, but I really wish things could be ok with Kaleigh

do you miss summertime?
yes and no. If I had no binders I'd love summer way more

would you date someone taller
im only 5'5"

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 08:57:25 GMT

You're not as beautiful as I remember. Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And others are unbelievable now.

I'm free to see.

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 07:47:55 GMT

Hey there dream girl. Come out of the woodwork. I'm dying to hold you in my arms. I'm breaking at the seams ready to spoil you rotten. My hearts ready to start a life. All I'm missing is you. I'm sorry that it wont be easy but I know you'll stand with me. I can't wait to tell you how beautiful you are. You'll be the most beautiful woman I ever see.
Come out of the woodwork. I'm ready.

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 21:25:52 GMT

so far... I've got it in my head that I'm only making things worse.
Im potentially less attractive
I'm a sexual outcast
I'm tired
I'm cranky
I'm poor
I'm miles away from the chance at surgery
and I'm miserably alone.

thank god I did this.

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 07:02:09 GMT

and POOF!!! out of nowhere... SLAP IN THE FACE! awesome.
in other news... somehow afloat 19 credits, one makeup class, and 2 jobs. wow. i'm crazy as shit. I ALSO am thrilled to walk soon, and walk again of course in the spring.
but WHAT oh what to do next? Whatever.. its all good.
Oh and my dads being nice.. for now. wait till i go home and am dressed well for thanksgiving. hmmmm.

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 01:20:28 GMT

noticed belly over jeans today. stomach suddenly filled out to santa-ness. Goddamnit. Rec here I come! just in time for the holidays! WOO. never felt worse :(
I hate that T likes to have SPURTS of change

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 04:39:39 GMT

Gaining friends! allllright! Guess I should write things.

todo:
clean trash heap aka bedroom
give a shit enough to finish the semester
begin taking transition photos regularly ish
post to ftmvain
learn to post pics.. may need to be done out of order.
invest in lots of 90s music = awesome
rehang show posters
begin posters for ACTF
exams
work
work
work
get license back
get car back
begin research on top surgery

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 02:40:23 GMT

I'm an idiot! I can't believe I almost called him... again. I have to keep away from him.
But on the upside I'm ALMOST done with school. SO CLOSE!!

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 07:14:26 GMT

im lonely... if i have anyone they have to be around... be willing to appear when im having a shitty day
or a great one

an FTM loose in a classroom

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 16:51:08 GMT

I go to Miami University and recently I did another classroom panel (psych class) with the GLBTQS(I)A on campus, and a guy came up to speak to me after the class got out. our conversation is summed up in this approximation of what he said:

thank you so much for coming in and speaking to us. You've really made things more clear for me, its helped a lot. Even though I'm a straight male, though open to what comes my way, I've always felt a need for there to be a biological definitive in being gay. That it really ISNT a choice, and that I'm not choosing to be straight, I just am. But I couldn't figure out how being TG/TS is okay, because there is an active choice in having a sex change, in pursuing it. But when you described to us that there was only a decision in giving in to the need in you to be what you knew you should be.. it makes sense now. Thank you for making it make sense.. i wanted to be accepting.

take what you will from it but it really made me feel like all the talking ive done, almost alone here, has FINALLY taken root

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 02:22:00 GMT

MY T CAME IN THE MAIL! I feel like a new man
now to save for the doc appts necessary to get more than the vial i have

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 15:34:34 GMT

oh, AND..
fuck losing my book
fuck losing my waterbottle
fuck hurting my knee
fuck a lot of things

fuck this week.
im done

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 15:33:23 GMT

Thank you, Davida... for pulling that shit on me last night. Thanks for outing me to a bunch of guys I dont know. Thanks for setting off the chain reaction and getting me called SHE in conversation after you left.
Thanks for making me lose my footing. I'm really hoping you had a good morning wherever the fuck you are today, because mine was GREAT. I'm supposed to be in french class but instead I CANT LEAVE MY APARTMENT
I cant go ANYWHERE BECAUSE YOU FUCKING GOT TO ME.

fuck you.
I'm not standing up for you to.. oh, everyone anymore.
I'm not doing you favors anymore
I'm sure as hell not pretending to like you when I'm annoyed anymore.

Fuck off you bitch.
I did NOTHING to you

facebook quotes!

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 17:25:02 GMT

Howard Blanning: "well if an ostrich jumped out of your camera when you said 'watch the birdie' what would YOU do?"

"There were 57,000 Christmas trees all over the place. Seriously, they must have had, like, 400 of them!"
~Me, in the cave.

"I want a little pet james, that I can put on a leash and carry around and listen to it giggle" Taylor

Taylor: so you and james are going to be spooning in the lab and susan will come down and get angry because you arent spooning with her?
Me: yep.. want to come over too?
"Youre supposed to be the helium pump to my self-esteem balloon..."

Andrew: Is that a bucket of cake?
me: yessss..
Andrew: Cake should Always be sold by the bucket.

Roger " we dont want her popping up like a poptart"
Emily Giant: "Ding dong! Pussys in!"

Stets: "did you just say chicken gizzards?"
Amy: "yes.. I Luv me sum chicken gizzards"

Stephanie: Were flying by the seat of our pants
Laura Runyan: The seat of my pants doesnt have a very good sense of direction.

"FACE! STOP IT!" Shiree on flirting

ASG canidate: blah blah blah watch the debate to learn more about me and my stance on MUTV blah blah
me: "So.. is there going to be a more.. accessable debate happening? Because last time I checked I cant respond verbally to my TV"
guy: um...

"The partys gay friendly, but with pants" -Joc
"Man.. but I hate pants" - Brandon

"You're like an emotional trainwreck on fire" -Jake Car
Roger: "Yeah, I'm sure you were all doing jello shots and trust falls while i was gone"

Gion:
"If I were a Director, and you were showing me this, I'd try to find a way to tactfully express concern... I dont know how well I'd do..."
"I would want to keep my brushes healthy and strong"

Announcer during the NCAA game against Air Force: "This is been a rough game for the officials"
me: "fuck the officials"
guys at the next table: "did you hear him? fuck the refs?! haha.. YEAH! FUCK THE REFS!"

Chrissy:
"I mean Ive heard you call her baby dyke before.. but i thought it was just a term of endearment!"
"I get drunk like a freight train"
"I demand that you mount me"
"When you rolled into the creek, were you fat?"
""hey while im giving birth in this chair, could you etch it into a rock for me?"
"i greeted a turkey today and it made me think of you (taylor)"
"Jani's up there stripping a goose or something."
"go play with your christmas penis"
"Hey! I just creshendoed and decreshendoed"

" I dont have a remote for you, but I have a fist."
"I thought we decided it was an exploded duck" ~Amy B

The KatAttack:
"You are laughing at me and I am in a moment of!!!!!.. you know... whatever.... "
"we're not giant pandas that when you put us together we're jsut going to mate
we have minds that can tell right and wrong"

James Lees:
"oysters can change their gender back and forth.. Mike you should inject yourself with oyster, essence of oyster"

"Mikey! Your voice drops down into your balls!!" Mandy

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 19:24:00 GMT

http://img99.imageshack.us/img99/8327/xxcasey0lj.jpg

this is Casey. We met, we talked.. hes really cool.
I want to be his friend.
A lot

He gave me a ticket to see Cirque for freeeee.
I wanted to be his best friend.

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 20:17:33 GMT

im just sorry

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 19:51:04 GMT