I've been up and in pain all night. I'm bleeding. Fuck shit goddamn. I've been off my T too long and now I'm turning into a gutted fish and I'm nauseated and i cant get warm or cool enough and I can barely move, and I cant sleep a bit. I'm in so much pain its unbelievable right now.
I'm freaking out. I dont have the money to do anything but gut it out and hope it passes soon. And I'm supposed to leave for work soon. I cant safely work like this!

I need an endo, I need more T. I need more T so bad it hurts. literally. its been like 2 months.

Its been a particularly long week.
I was really looking forward to today, Ive been excited for a month that my friends would be here and I'd have a whole day off to spend with them so I'm completely shattered by them asking what im doing TOMORROW. I'm a mess in general and I just needed this.
oh well right.

I'm an hour at most away from fucking magic kingdom, and im in the least magical place on earth.
I hate orlando

TOO SOBER

ER makes me cry :( / :)

so.. I'm a big one tree hill fan. DANS HEART GOT EATEN BY A DOG! oh vindication!
also dan acting in the most recent episode is the worst acting ive seen. ever. most likely

After a long heart bearing conversation, a twice as long life discussion with Rachel who was one of the first of my "keepers" (the people who've been deemed necessities to my survival, shes on year 9, WOW), and a short panicked discussion about how I'm fucked with James I've come to a few decisions, and reactions:
( Read more... )

On number 12: I managed to go grocery shopping and spent 11.16 of my 20 dollars left in my bank account.. very effectively.
( Read more... )

ok shes right. I cant just let myself think that I'M the one to be the exception to the rule. I didn't know she cared. I didn't know she'd gotten invested. I didn't know she wasn't just jerking me around.
So what do I do. She cares. I care. Usually that adds up to lets just be together. but this is real life now. and YES I need to get the fuck out of oxford and not come back.
why.
Reasons why I need to,bolt oxford and cincinnati:
-bad ties in theater in cincinnati
-when it comes to theater cincinnati is a (very very) small town.
- dad
- Ursuline will HAUNT me. all anyone cares about here is where you went to high school and I'm not planning on coming out every few days for the rest of my life.
- I'd like to state for the record that I've hated cincinnati because I've never felt at home here.
-my dads got it burned into my skull that ANY and EVERY day I spend in oxford past January 1st 2009 is a sign of my complete and total inability to ever potentially reach success.
- I've been very much so made to feel I'm an intruder on someone else's world while I've stayed here, no matter how loud I shout to myself that staying was good for me
(but, honestly.. staying WAS good for me, I needed the chance to walk and run on safe pavement, and I've been really going places for the large part of this year)
- I'm convinced that any day spent in oxford again will be seen as my fucking up by anyone else.

Problems:
-I'm scared. WILL I succeed? Will I be ok on my own? Will I be able to support myself?
-I'm poor
-I'm physically shaking right now from the terror of all these things I'm considering at once.
-I dont know which of the voices of reason to listen to.
-I dont know what decisions I'm making that are self-preservation, which move me forward, and which are holding me back.

Things that make me happy this year:
- shows.
- T
- feeling my heart beat again.

these three things dont collide well

today is not my day. I probably shouldnt have un-friendsd KBD. I probably shouldnt have gotten so drunk. I probably shouldnt burn through some of the booze in my apt tonight. But I will anyway because I'm stupid, and comfortable with that today.

What do you miss most about your ex?
Caitlin: the person I thought she was.
Caitie: nothing.
the others... I cant say much about them.. If I really wanted them around they'd be around

are you attracted to the last person that kissed you?


what did you do yesterday?
hangover, Vision, alcohol. And since I'm a reject and clares leaving and I'm feeling pretty messy right now, I'll be drinking more later, I'm sure

something you really want right now?
Chicago.

what were you doing an hour ago?
being pissed off

if you could seek revenge on someone would you?
no

how long have you liked the person you like?


does any part of your body hurt right now?
my neck, my ear, same for days

did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed?
of course not. no one has.

can you recall the last time you liked someone?


are you happy with the way things are going?
no. especially not this morning

would you ever get a tattoo?
I have two and want more

do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
clearly. no

who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Ashley

who was the last person you talked to in person?
James.. hes half dead on my couch, passed out drunk, and has some blankets to wash for me later. damned pukers.

what plans do you have for tomorrow?
um. I'm in a classroom at some point for a panel

has a friendship ended recently that you wish hadn't?
maybe.

what are you listening to right now?
Across the Universe.

what happened at 9:00 am today?
I was out cold

ever given your all to someone who walked away?
yes. more than once.

do you and your last ex hate each other?
Rosie? lord no. I love rosie. I miss having her around.

what are you afraid of?
that the feeling I have that I know I'll be an untouchable forever is completely true. the only thing I hate about transitioning is that I developed the feeling then and It hasnt once waivered, thats contributing to my anger though.

when was the last time you were sick?
I've got a lot of sinus problems right now

are you one of those people who are always cold?
yeah, feet and shoulders.

where are your biological parents?
Dads in Vegas this week. Moms eating pringles on the couch. haha

do you have any summer plans yet?
not yet. I'm getting really antsy

do you tend to waste a lot of money?
sometimes. but when I do its on time spent with my friends.

what did you last drink?
a bit of coke from the fridge. nothings settling yet really. I'm eating so that'll shift.

when's the last time you made a drunk dial?
well if you know you're going out, go out in style right. So I drunk dialed last night on Lizz's command to share how I feel. I knew better though so instead I apologized for drunk dialing. I'm a winner.

what was the last thing you said out loud?
good james, good.

do you have trust issues?
yeah.. because everyone waits till I let them in to reject me. or.. theyre the person who just abuses the shit out of me when I let them in. those are cool too. All of these have developed a sometimes voliatile reaction in me, fortunately that reaction is 100% self-directed.

do you think this year will be better than the last?
yes.

have you ever regretted kissing someone?
no.

have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
yeah

do you think age matters in relationship?
sometimes apparently

when was the last time you got a haircut?
I cut my hair this week

do you know anyone that smokes weed?
like.. oh me?

who is the last person you rode in a car with?
E.Lannigan drove me and james to my house last night

did you sing at all today?
no

do you look more like your mom or your dad?
whichever I'm standing next to. really.

where will you be 2 hours from now?
probably right here on my lazy ass

are there any stressful situations in your life?
always

got yourself a girlfriend/boyfriend?
OBVIOUSLY NOT. yeah im pissy right now. I should post this on myspace

do you have blonde moments each day?
no

what would you do if your last ex shows up at your bedroom window?
good luck, my rooms on the second story

what color are your eyes?
blue

are your nails painted?
no

do you think love is a waste of time?
no. maybe

do you ever get 'good morning' texts from anyone?
no but I'm the schmuck who sends them

where is your cell phone?
charging next to me

what time did you go to sleep last night?
3

what woke you up today?
my neck

how is your hair right now?
same as always

do you wear makeup?
no

do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
so far they havent been. I'm assuming that will change?

are you a bad influence?
no, maybe a little

do you think anyone has feelings for you?
NO, even though she keeps reassuring me itll be fine.

how many texts are in your inbox?
like 110

besides this, what are you doing right now?
listening to across the universe, about to watch more of Lie To Me. that shows good!

will you be up before 7 am tomorrow?
hell no

are you currently waiting to get a body piercing or tattoo?
i'm waiting for name change and surgery first

angry at anyone?
yeah. Kaleigh

are you tired right now?
yeah

will you get married?
I'm not so sure that will come

are you jealous?
yeah. let her have stupid bagface creeper. what does it say about me that I'm mixed in with all these guys. am I a creeper, jerk, asshole, fuckup, whiny bitch too? REALLY? I am?

when was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
ben mack. at mac and joes. 2 nights ago. or TJ last night. who went on a justification diatribe to me about why using the word faggot to describe this girl he was hitting on's ex was ok.

do you like the color green?
yeah

do you like your name?
Id better, I picked it

who was the last girl you talked to?
chrissy

ho would you want to fix things with?
I'm grumpy as shit, but I really wish things could be ok with Kaleigh

do you miss summertime?
yes and no. If I had no binders I'd love summer way more

would you date someone taller
im only 5'5"

You're not as beautiful as I remember. Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And others are unbelievable now.

I'm free to see.

Hey there dream girl. Come out of the woodwork. I'm dying to hold you in my arms. I'm breaking at the seams ready to spoil you rotten. My hearts ready to start a life. All I'm missing is you. I'm sorry that it wont be easy but I know you'll stand with me. I can't wait to tell you how beautiful you are. You'll be the most beautiful woman I ever see.
Come out of the woodwork. I'm ready.

so far... I've got it in my head that I'm only making things worse.
Im potentially less attractive
I'm a sexual outcast
I'm tired
I'm cranky
I'm poor
I'm miles away from the chance at surgery
and I'm miserably alone.


thank god I did this.

and POOF!!! out of nowhere... SLAP IN THE FACE! awesome.
in other news... somehow afloat 19 credits, one makeup class, and 2 jobs. wow. i'm crazy as shit. I ALSO am thrilled to walk soon, and walk again of course in the spring.
but WHAT oh what to do next? Whatever.. its all good.
Oh and my dads being nice.. for now. wait till i go home and am dressed well for thanksgiving. hmmmm.

noticed belly over jeans today. stomach suddenly filled out to santa-ness. Goddamnit. Rec here I come! just in time for the holidays! WOO. never felt worse :(
I hate that T likes to have SPURTS of change

Gaining friends! allllright! Guess I should write things.

todo:
clean trash heap aka bedroom
give a shit enough to finish the semester
begin taking transition photos regularly ish
post to ftmvain
learn to post pics.. may need to be done out of order.
invest in lots of 90s music = awesome
rehang show posters
begin posters for ACTF
exams
work
work
work
get license back
get car back
begin research on top surgery

I'm an idiot! I can't believe I almost called him... again. I have to keep away from him.
But on the upside I'm ALMOST done with school. SO CLOSE!!

im lonely... if i have anyone they have to be around... be willing to appear when im having a shitty day
or a great one

I go to Miami University and recently I did another classroom panel (psych class) with the GLBTQS(I)A on campus, and a guy came up to speak to me after the class got out. our conversation is summed up in this approximation of what he said:

thank you so much for coming in and speaking to us. You've really made things more clear for me, its helped a lot. Even though I'm a straight male, though open to what comes my way, I've always felt a need for there to be a biological definitive in being gay. That it really ISNT a choice, and that I'm not choosing to be straight, I just am. But I couldn't figure out how being TG/TS is okay, because there is an active choice in having a sex change, in pursuing it. But when you described to us that there was only a decision in giving in to the need in you to be what you knew you should be.. it makes sense now. Thank you for making it make sense.. i wanted to be accepting.

take what you will from it but it really made me feel like all the talking ive done, almost alone here, has FINALLY taken root

MY T CAME IN THE MAIL! I feel like a new man
now to save for the doc appts necessary to get more than the vial i have

oh, AND..
fuck losing my book
fuck losing my waterbottle
fuck hurting my knee
fuck a lot of things

fuck this week.
im done